Excellent ideas to try after BDSM play
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I must admit that I have never been inspired to accept an invitation by a lover to ‘have a spanking’. While BDSM is not for me, it is a go-to zone for many.
Over 40 years’ practice as a sex therapist I have learned lots from my kink-friendly clients about the thrill of the personal sexcitations experienced in bondage play, a category of BDSM (the acronym for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism).
One exciting aspect of BDSM practice for the happily initiated is that there is an entire protocol of warm up, indulgence and after care which is aimed at experiencing an escalation in all the senses with the result of mutual satisfaction.
The guiding light for BDSM is that the experience should always accord with these three words: safe, sane and consensual.
The most important part of the protocol is the use of safe words. The most obvious choice is ‘stop’ or ‘no’ but any words can be chosen, so long as they are agreed on in advance.
Short and sharp are best – like ‘go harder or softer’, or ‘enough/stop’ – so there is no ambiguity.
Safe words need to be a clear signal from the Submissive (Sub or Bottom) to the Dominant (Dom or Top). The message is for the Dom to change up or down, slow down or stop the acting-out scenario altogether.
To make sure that each participant involved feels safe and cared for after playtime is over, BDSM practitioners have a practice known as aftercare in their sex lives.
What is aftercare?
BDSM aftercare is about the time and attention given to partners after an intense sexual experience.
While these encounters (or ‘scenes’) are negotiated in advance, and involve consent and safe words, that doesn’t mean that participants can forget about being considerate and communicative afterwards.
Aftercare means communicating and taking care of one another after an encounter to ensure that all parties are 100 per cent comfortable with their experience.
Aftercare means communicating and taking care of one another after an encounter to ensure that all parties are 100 per cent comfortable with their experience
Extended aftercare is important for maintaining good communication, dealing with any negative feelings and avoiding reactive behaviors which may automatically result from the need to release tension.
An obvious part of BDSM aftercare is addressing physical tenderness which the submissive partner may have experienced during the encounter – it is after all, about mixing pleasure with pain. A less obvious option could be to taking a moment to be still and breathe together and relish the experience.
Aftercare is also included in BDSM for gently bringing someone back to reality (from the fantasy of play) and helping them feel grounded again and/or re-establishing the normal, loving roles you would normally assume if you’re in a relationship.
This is important regardless of the type of bondage toys used in your session. Perhaps you restricted sight with a sexy blindfold or limited movement with wrist, ankle or body restraints, or even a collar and lead. Maybe you had fun with sensation play, using a tickler, paddle, crop or whip against your partner’s skin. You may have even experimented with a gag to create sensual moans. Whatever the case may be, make aftercare part of the overall experience.
What? There’s a come-down?
When you’re engaging in BDSM, there are often spikes of adrenaline and release of feel-good endorphins (especially if you’re doing something intense). When you crash from this natural high, there is a chance of a state called ‘drop’.
Physical states of drop can include:
- Being unable to calm down or feeling jittery.
- Loss of appetite or binge eating.
- Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that persist even with medication.
- Problems with sleep cycle (too much or not enough).
Emotional and mental states of drop can include:
- Feeling guilty, worthless, or helpless.
- Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism.
- Feeling tired or lazy.
- Feelings of sadness, anxiousness or emptiness.
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions.
Those emotional states may seem negative to non-BDSM practitioners. However, they are actually part of the Sub/Dom outcome experience – and can be craved.
Nevertheless, most BDSM participants have to eventually emerge from those emotional states to embrace reality and get on with their lives.
Anticipate the thrill, ease into it and savour it, rather than jump into the deep end, then allow plenty of recovery time
As an experienced psychologist my good advice is to take your time in both setting up and settling down after indulging in BDSM. Don’t treat it like a one-off bungy jump. Anticipate the thrill, ease into it and savour it, rather than jump into the deep end, then allow plenty of recovery time.
Planning your BDSM aftercare
For aftercare, really seek to understand how both the Sub and the Dom like to come down and calm down that over-stimulated nervous system. Each BDSM participant could make a list of ways they like to be nurtured in aftercare.
So, what could you include in your BDSM aftercare routine? Consider these easy practices for both Sub and Dom.
Aftercare for the Sub’s physical state might include:
- Being wrapped in a blanket.
- Being offered water or juice (not alcohol).
- Being offered chocolate to eat or hot chocolate to drink.
- Being laid down somewhere warm and soft with lots of cushions.
- A massage with oil or soothing lotions.
- Storing all BDSM props like blindfolds, ties and nipple clamps.
Aftercare for the Sub’s emotional and mental state might include:
- Being told affirmations by the Dom in a gentle and reassuring voice like: “You are such a good Sub and I can’t wait to play with you again.” My client, Leigh, was a newbie Sub and asked for help with her anxiety. I encouraged to stay in her Dom Peter’s arms after BDSM and do deep breathing and keep repeating to herself the positive affirmation: “I am safe. I’m Peter’s Sub and he’s the best Dom for me.”
- Cuddling and patting from the Dom.
- Watching a movie together that the Sub gets to choose.
- Playing music that the Sub gets to choose.
With BDSM practices, every person and every experience is unique. That’s why clear communication and following a consensual protocol are vitally important. Aftercare should follow, and include acts of positive attention and kindness, from and to both Sub and Dom.
Whether you’re into BDSM or have more vanilla tastes, aftercare is something everyone should do after having sex! As the come-down from passionate sex, aftercare for your lover is so very rewarding for those who loves connecting and much better than having their partner fall asleep immediately.
