Back in August Wild Secrets had the honour of hosting Katherine Plume, founder of Sex and Safety, for an exclusive sex education webinar. Katherine is passionate sex educator, and after entering the university collegiate environment was inspired to host the first ever Safe and Sexy Week at St Johns College in 2021 with an aim to provide sex education that would be embraced by, and useful to, young people today. She is a Sexual Equity Ambassador at the University of Queensland, and this year became a Conference Director for the National Association of Australian University Colleges.
Katherine shared her journey of empowering people to find their own pleasure, deal with cultural shame and guilt, and address the gender gap when it comes to orgasms. Better sex education indeed!
You can watch a recording of Katherine’s webinar on YouTube, but here’s our key takeaways and tips for right now.
1. Positive, inclusive sex education works better
In this article:
Telling young adults to abstain from sex never works. We need to change those attitudes, and understand that seeking pleasure is a natural human desire. A lot of sex education is also very heteronormative, and can be quite alienating to the queer community. Taken together this discourages people from feeling confident when it comes to talking about sex, and how to improve their sex lives. “Young adults should be given the education and empowerment to make their own decisions”, Katherine says. They’re going to make those decisions whether older people like it or not, so we need to equip them to make the best choices they can.
Sex education should focus on sex positivity instead.
2. Sex positivity is about setting your own boundaries and respecting those of others
There’s a lot of talk about ‘sex positivity’, but there’s equally a lot of misconceptions about what it means.
Many people believe that this means having a lot of sexual partners, having a lot of sex, or being kinky in the bedroom. It can cover those, but you can be sex positive without a pair of handcuffs in your bedside drawer.
Sex positivity means letting people enjoy their own sex lives in the way they wish (so long as it’s safe and consensual), without shaming anyone for their choices. It’s about keeping an open mind, promoting consent, being open to education and conversations about sex, gender, and sexual orientation. You set boundaries for yourself and those are to be respected. But you don’t need to judge others for their sexual preferences or having different boundaries and practices to you. As long as pleasure is consensual between all parties involved, that’s the main thing.
Sex positivity also means being aware of, and rejecting double standards. For instance, if a man is seen to have had a lot of sexual partners, it’s commonly viewed as a positive thing – something that others should respect. But if a woman has a similar history, Katherine observes, she’s often viewed as a slut. A lot of harmful and negative beliefs around sex and sexuality have been passed down to us by the culture we all grew up in, and part of sex education is to challenge those and treat everyone fairly.
Which brings us to our next key takeaway:
3. Using inclusive language when talking about sex and relationships shows respect for your peers – and your friends
A lot of the language we use is needlessly gendered or heteronormative. For instance, if you ask a woman if they have a boyfriend, you may make them feel uncomfortable about telling you they actually have a girlfriend. If you instead ask “Are you seeing someone?” or “Do you have a partner?”, you’re providing a more open and welcoming space for them to express themselves.
You should also avoid using some words as slurs or insults. A simple switch is just to stop using the term ‘gay’ as a pejorative – there are many other words in the dictionary if you want to insult someone. For many, young men especially, it’s part of the toxic masculinity we’ve all been steeped in from a young age. And while saying you’d never use that term in front of a gay friend – how do you know you haven’t already and shown yourself to not really be a safe person to be around for them?
“You’re already insulting a marginalised group,” says Katherine. “Just choose a different word – the English dictionary is so vast.”
Is it Political Correctness gone wild? Katherine doesn’t think so. “It’s really just to be respectful of the people I care about. It takes purposeful effort to undo gendered language or slurs that you hear that you were raised hearing, [but] it doesn’t actually affect me at all – it’s minimal effort for me, but it means the world to someone else.”
Easy language trades to be more inclusive
- Try “Are you seeing anyone at the moment?” instead of “Are you seeing a boy?” or “Do you have a new girlfriend?”
- Use “Menstrual products” instead of “Feminine hygeine products”. Not all people who menstruate are female.
- Say “Friends” or “People” instead of “Boys and girls.”
- Instead of using gay or trans slurs as insults try literally any other word. There’s a lot to choose from.
- Remember that it’s both acceptable and normal for girls to be friends with boys, for boys to be friends with girls, and people to be friends with other people. Being friends doesn’t mean you’re going to have sex.
It’s okay if you don’t get it right at first. Apologise, educate yourself, and try again. Perhaps ask people in a neutral environment that isn’t immediately after a mistake. Learning and doing better next time are both good things.
Feminine pleasure and sexual health are positive things
Women used to be expected to be ‘chaste’ or ‘pure’. And while we’re thankfully long past that, some of it still linger in our cultural consciousness. Everyone of all gender identities have have entire organs dedicated to pleasure, and we should all feel free to experience that pleasure without shame or guilt for doing so.
Masturbation is a big part of feeling sexual pleasure, and nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s a great way to explore your sexuality in a safe and controlled environment. Similarly, we don’t need to feel ashamed or awkward about using sex toys – whether that’s by ourselves or with partners. As Katherine points out, ‘back massagers’ like the popular Hitachi – now the Magic Wand – would regularly sell out when first released. And it was largely women doing the buying. This is a key indicator that there was a big gap in the market for women’s pleasure products.
Thankfully there is a much wider range of dedicated ‘massagers’ available now!
The Orgasm Gap
In western culture, we’ve historically made sex about masculine pleasure, and villified and shamed feminine pleasure. This has led to what we now refer to as the ‘orgasm gap’. A 2018 study by Durex found that three quarters of women cannot achieve orgasm through penetrative sex, and that women are more likely to orgasm during masturbation. The survey also found that 58 percent of women wish it was more acceptable to talk about female pleasure.
This is no one’s fault, and it’s important to acknowledge that too. The issue is a social and cultural one. What we can do is be open to discussion, and talk about women’s pleasure without shame.
Finding the clitoris
We all laugh and regulate finding the clitoris to joke territory, but sex education still largely ignores the existence of the clitoris. A little bit of research can help everyone in this case, but Katherine has some very simple advice for everyone.
“For people with a clitoris: take time to explore your body and what you like. For people trying to find the clit – ask.”
It’s really that simple!
There’s a lot more in the full webinar, including a Q&A section, and we highly recommend you watch it and help spread the word so that we can all get better sex education and pass that on to those who need it. That sad, we hope our top tips empower you to talk meaningfully about sex without embarrassment or guild, and help you find confidence in seeking your own personal pleasure.
